How Am I Supposed To Forgive That?

Forgiveness is hard.

Has anyone ever hurt you? I don't (necessarily) mean physically. I mean has anyone ever done you wrong? Has anyone lied to you or about you? Taken some thing or some opportunity that was yours? Caused conflict between you and someone else, or in some other way spilled the Cheerios of your life?

Sure they have. It happens to all of us. And truth be told, we've done it to others as well. We're all sinners. I've said it before and I'll say it again--People suck! And, to paraphrase Paul, I'm the chief sucker.

When someone does us wrong, whether it results in a bruised ego or a shattered life, our first response is usually not, That's OK. I forgive you. At least mine isn't. I lean more towards An eye for an eye, than Turn the other cheek. I'm not saying that's right--it isn't--I'm just saying that's me. Give me a day or two and I've usually gotten over it. I don't have the time or energy for long, drawn out grudges. But those first hours and days . . . it isn't pretty.

That's because forgiveness is hard. No matter how small the offense, the gut reaction for most of us is to defend, react, respond. Of course, the greater the perceived misdeed against us, the stronger our reaction is going to be. Pull in front of me in traffic and I'll be irritated. T-bone me at an intersection and my emotions are going to be a tad bit stronger. My thoughts are going to go in the direction of the police and you better have some good insurance, because you owe me!

The same is true of someone who bumps into the ride of my life. Say a harsh word to me and I'm going to be miffed for a while. Lie about me to others and mess up my relationships with my family, my friends, and the community and I'm really going to be mad. Go further than that, and do something to my kids or my wife, and I'm ready to throw down.

Forgiving isn't easy. It's not natural. What's natural is to get even, or better yet, get ahead. Oh yeah--you did that to me? How do you like this!  As Christians, however, that's not how we are to respond. We are supposed to forgive. We are not allowed to carry grudges. We cannot seek revenge. Vengeance belongs to God, not us. Darn it!

So how do I forgive that?

I don't know what that is for you. People do some horrible things to one another. Physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's not, but when you're on the receiving end it really doesn't matter, does it? It hurts either way. All the same, we have to forgive. No matter if someone set out to hurt you; no matter if they try (and succeed) to hurt you again and again, you have to forgive.  Over and over. Just as we are forgiven. I'll get back to that.

What about the big things? What about the affairs, the abuse, the shattering of lives and dreams? No, I don't know what's been done to you. What I do know is that when Jesus was being nailed to the cross, He asked God to forgive the men doing it to Him. Has anyone done something worse than that to you? Probably not.

Thinking about Jesus is where we have to start in our quest for forgiving others. We have to keep in mind that we, as Christians, are forgiven for what we have done. Now you might say you haven't done anything to anyone that's as bad and what's been done to you. You're wrong. You've sinned against God. Sin is abhorrent to God. Any and all sin. Your sin, when looked at by God, is no less abhorrent than the sins committed against you. What you've done--what we've all done--deserves the most horrific punishment imaginable. Hell.

But--and thank God for the but!!--through Jesus, God has forgiven us. Though we are, because of our sins, abhorrent to Him, He sent His Son to die for us so that penalty would be paid. He forgave us when we didn't deserve it. You see, we didn't do anything to earn His forgiveness--we can't! We can never earn our way back into His favor. His forgiveness, His mercy and grace, are free gifts expressed through the sacrifice of Jesus.

What does that mean for us? It means that because we have been forgiven, we are obligated to forgive others in the same way. Not because they deserve it. Not because they earn it. We are obligated to forgive because we have been forgiven. In fact, Jesus says in Matthew 6:14, 15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, our Father will not forgive your sins. 

Now that is something to think about!

How do you forgive? For starters, it doesn't mean you forget. The Bible tells us our sins are moved as far as the east is from the west. That's a God thing. He is capable of no longer seeing our offenses when He looks at us. We're not like that. We are going to remember what people have done. The Bible commands us to forgive, not forgive and forget. God knows what we can do, and what we can't.

To forgive means to no longer hold someone accountable. It means they don't owe you anything. You cannot seek to collect some payment, some recompense, some revenge for what they've done. You're most likely going to remember how they hurt you, but you no longer want them to have to pay for it. You release them from the debt--real or perceived--they owe you.

That's not easy sometimes.

Forgiveness doesn't mean naivety. 

When I forgive someone, that doesn't mean I have to put myself back in a position to get hurt by them again. Sometimes God does call us to do that, but not always. As an extreme example, if someone abuses our children, God does not call us to ignore that and put our kids in harm's way again. That'd be reckless, irresponsible, and against what God has called us to do as parents. We are to forgive that person, to release them from our anger and desire for vengeance. That doesn't mean we have to associate with them. God doesn't want us to get hurt again and again. He loves us far too much for that.

God calls us to forgive, not be stupid or naive.

Forgive as you have been forgiven.

My final thought for today on this subject is that our forgiveness of others has to be like God's forgiveness for us--complete. We cannot simply say we forgive someone, and all the while hold on to bitterness and anger in our hearts. That's not forgiveness at all! Forgiveness comes from the heart--it's what we feel and think. When we release someone from their debt (our anger, our desire for vengeance) it means they don't owe us anything. If you haven't forgiven completely, you haven't forgiven at all. Where would we be if God only forgave us half way?

Forgiveness starts, and ends, with our relationship with Jesus Christ. Once we realize and remember how we have been completely and totally forgiven, we begin to understand what it means to forgive others. It isn't easy, it may not happen quickly, but with prayer and God's help, it is possible.

Whatever grudges, whatever anger against others you may be holding, I encourage you to take it to God. Jesus is the Author and Perfecter of our faith. He knows more about forgiveness than we'll ever want to. Take it to Him.

He knows what to do.